Happy Childhood

No not at all…

I had happy moments, but that changed like the weather. Way to much anxiety — I did not know how to turn it off. To much worry on my mind. I felt to much — people now call it “Energy sensitivity ” for me — as a child walking halfway down my block — To get to my building Someone was being injured, suffering, shot — killed, assaulted — these injustices could be by the police or folks that were in the neighborhood. I learned a lot from these moments as a kid — but damn it sure was hard to focus . School- forget about it, my mind was elsewhere. I never wore headphones — because all of the information was in the air. It kept me safe — because I relied on my instincts. i needed to.

We do this all the time these days- You’re standing on the train — you have earbuds in your ear- by the time you know what is going on — you are already being punched in the face. Why? because the person who you were unintentionally hitting with your bag — told you three times to move it…but you didn’t here. So you get punched in the face.

The consequence was that I was always exhausted with this “Energy sensitivity”- not knowing who or what people where experiencing these issues- who it belonged to. I was always focused on my siblings and my mom coming home safe- that was my default, everything else was extra. With this constant anxiety - stress of that interfered with my Happiness — my present-to the moment of happiness was never a thing for me -Happy was a distraction for me. I picked my moments — like I can be happy in my home — when everyone was home- safe in the apartment. So when my mother came home from work , took out — — - not one but two my buddy dolls — I was ecstatic ! couldn’t stop crying — I was Happy.

What kept me going as a kid was my level of gratitude — not happiness -which could be brought and sold, taken away.